What's in your bag?

 

We are all guilty of being a bag lady at some time is our lives. I am not talking about carrying actual baggage but emotional baggage. Every single one of us carry different emotions in our bags sometimes without even knowing it.  If we could open up our proverbial bags we would find that regret, anger, disappointment, hurt and shame have been stored in all the compartments. 

The scary thing about these bags is that most of us don't even know that we are carrying them until it's too late and we have traveled with them from relationship to relationship. Emotional baggage stops us from progressing or moving on to the next step in many different aspects of our lives. For example, if you have been hurt in a relationship it's more likely that when you enter into a new relationship you still have that hurt somewhere hidden in your bag and it can subconsciously sabotage that new relationship before it even had a chance to grow. Think about all the good relationships that just never had the chance to become great because of the baggage that was brought into it from past relationships. What a shame.

I know this woman...let's call her "Mikki" who many years ago almost missed out on the love of her life because her bag was filled with disappointment. So instead of waiting for the fabulous guy she just started dating to disappoint her she decided that she would not get serious....you know not fall in love under any circumstances. Fortunately for her Mr. Fabulous helped her to slowly empty her bag of disappointment by proving to her that she can trust not only him but her own ability to let go of the past.....and 17 years later that compartment of her bag is still empty.

So ladies....what's in your bag? What are you holding on that is stopping you from being happy or just progressing in your life? Do you have regret in there? You know...the shouldas, wouldas, couldas. Is anger and/or shame hidden deep in there? Maybe you have not been able to forgive someone or yourself for something that happened in your past. Whatever is in your bag...let it go. I know it's easier said than done but we have to realize that holding on to all these past emotions become heavy burdens and make us miss out in all the wonderfully fabulous things that life has to offer us.

So ladies I will leave you with a few verses from one of my favorite  Erykah Badu songs Bag Lady!

Bag lady you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you

One day all them bags gone get in your way
One day all them bags gone get in your way
I said one day all them bags gone get in your way
One day all them bags gone get in your way............so pack light!

 

 

Loving Him "As Is"

When women love we love unconditionally and while this is a good quality when in a relationship it can be difficult to always do. How so? Loving someone unconditionally means that you love someone regardless of their qualities or actions. In other words you love them "As Is".

Let's say you meet you a man who has almost all the qualities that you desire. However, you like him so much you are willing to overlook a small minor flaw in his character or a habit that you are not fond of. What happens when you can't ignore those qualities anymore? Should you attempt to (dare I say)....try to change them?

Now trying to change anyone can be a difficult task....trying to change a man is almost impossible. One thing that I have learned is that most men don't respond to subtle hints they need to be told exactly what is on our mind. If when you meet your husband and he wasn't a "romantic take you to dinner and give you flowers kind of guy" chances are he is not going to turn into one over the years. However, if that is something you need now in your relationship there is nothing wrong with telling him.

No matter how long you are in a relationship you should never take for granted that he knows how you feel or what you need. You see I think that since men don't hesitate to say what they want or how they feel they assume we do the same and the truth is most of us don't. Why not? Well, for me sometimes I want him to figure it out on his own but unfortunately it doesn't always work that way so then I just have to say it and he respects that.

Now there are certain things about our men that although we may not love we would never change because it makes them who they are. We all have flaws. I know I have a few that my husband has graciously learned to accept or ignore. Loving him "As Is" doesn't mean we shouldn't speak up when our needs are not being met or when we are unhappy about something in our relationship. It means we love our men enough to tell them how we feel in hopes that they love us enough to listen and and try to change on their own.

#3 Double Dating

Yesterday my hubby and I went with my bff and her hubby to a Dummies Guide to Wine Tasting class at a winery and vineyard in Pennsylvania. (#3 Double Dating) off my Spring to-do list)

It was fabulous! Since my bff and I think we are wine connoisseurs it was great to learn some new things about wine. The vineyard was quaint and elegant. We sat at a large marble table with about 20 other people and tasted 13 different wines ranging from Chardonnay to Cabernet Sauvignon while eating cheese to cleanse our palates.

If you like wine you might appreciate some of these tips we learned during our wine tasting class.

1. wine actually spoils after only being exposed to air for 3 hours.
2. invest in a vacuvin wine saver it vacuums the air out of wine bottles to prevent the wine from getting stale. (don't pay more than $15 for one)
3. red wine should be removed from refrigerator at least 15 minutes prior to drinking.
4. Never buy wine over 14% alcohol content (those are the ones that give you headaches and that feeling in the morning)
5.Riesling is the best wine to drink with spicy foods it enhances the favor!
6.Wine is meant to be enjoyed so savor the favor take sips not gulps!

After the class the four of us took a tour around the vineyard, holding hands,taking pictures and enjoying the spring weather. There was something very romantic about it all. Maybe it was the scenery, maybe it was the wine. Either way it was a great way to spend a Sunday afternoon with friends and a perfect way to begin my spring break!

The Art of the Compromise

A healthy marriage is all about sacrifice and compromise.

Compromise is when two or more people come to a mutual decision so that ultimately each party receives some satisfaction. In marriage compromising could mean you really want to go to the Lobster House for dinner and he really wants to go to the Steak House so you find a really great surf and turf restaurant or you want to watch that new movie on Lifetime and he really wants to watch the game so you let him watch the game and you set the DVR to tape your movie. That’s compromise!

Sacrifice is a whole other thing. Sacrifice is totally giving up something considered important to you for something considered to be more important to someone else. So let’s say your husband's company is treating all their employees to a Yankees game for the same night that you were supposed to have a very much needed girl’s night out. Since he was supposed to watch the kids and you are unable to get a reliable babysitter you sadly call your girlfriends and tell them to have a great time without you. That, my friends is called sacrifice!

In marriage there are daily compromises and sacrifices that we all make to keep the peace, some big and some small. I believe that both are necessary in a successful marriage. However, too much sacrifice can lead to a feeling of loss of self and in some cases resentment. In order to avoid that we should make sure that both partners are sacrificing equally because that’s when sacrifice turns into compromise.

Here are some ways to compromise with your spouse:

1. Listen to their point of view. (r.e.a.l.l.y listen)

2. Recognize and respect each others value. (so important)

3. Admit you were wrong and give in graciously. (sometimes it's okay to give in out of love for your spouse)

4. Agree to disagree. (sometimes a compromise can't be reached)

5. Have a real discussion and negotiate a compromise. (note: a real discussion does not mean a heated argument)

A successful marriage is a constant work in progress. Even after many years of marriage I am still learning how to make necessary compromises and sacrifices without totally abandoning what is important to me. It helps that I have a husband who understands that our marriage is a give and take.

What is your love language?

This past summer I read the book The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman. This book discusses how each of us has our own way of expressing and interpreting love and how we are usually attracted to a person that speaks a different love language than us. According to the book there are five love languages:

1. Words of Affirmation
If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward.

2. Quality Time
Nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved.

3. Receiving Gifts
If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.

4. Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.”

5. Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love.

After reading the book I was anxious to find out my love language so I took the assessment online www.5lovelanguages.com. It turns out that Words of Affirmation is my language of love. That sounds about right, since I love when my husband tells me he loves me even after all these years it still warms my heart and when he compliments me I still blush like a schoolgirl. I thought it was a good idea for my husband to take the assessment too and (reluctantly), he did. Surprise, surprise his language of love is Physical Touch! Well, I guess that explains a lot!

The important thing is that we both understand each other's love language so he keeps giving me those compliments and I welcomely except his spontaneous bear hugs!

What is your love language? How do you feel and express love?

Unconditionally yours,

Nikki

A Message to My Daughters

Hi Ladies,

How many of you have kissed some frogs before finding your prince? I know I did! Although I must admit that some of those frogs helped me to love and appreciate my prince, I only wish that I could save my daughters from some of the heartbreaks I experienced. When I read this quote I knew it was exactly the message I want to send to my daughters. I want them to know that they NEVER have to settle for less than what they deserve. They ARE princesses and they deserve a prince..... not a frog! So here is a message to my daughters.....

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'"
~ anonymous

Loving you unconditionally,

Mommy